Beating Broke

Personal Finance from the Broke Perspective

How to Handle Financially Toxic Parents

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Your parents should provide for you as you grow up, but what happens when they ask you for money?  Should you give money to your parents?  The answer to how to handle financially toxic parents depends on both you and them.

How to Handle Financially Toxic Parents

Reasons Your Financially Toxic Parents May Need Money

There are many reasons your parents may ask you for money.  Some are valid reasons, and others, not so much.

A Job Loss

Sometimes the unexpected happens.  Your parent may find him or herself out of a job and in need of money.  Our neighbor, Rob, worked hard all his life.  Because he married young and he and his wife had children in quick succession, Rob never got to go to college.  He worked as a janitor.  While he and his wife were responsible with their money, they just didn’t have much money.  They couldn’t establish much of an emergency fund because his income just paid the bills and covered the expenses of his seven children.

When Rob was 59, he lost his job.  At that age, he had a difficult time finding a new job.  In this situation, helping your parents out, if you’re financially able, is the right thing to do.

An Unexpected Funeral

How to Handle Financially Toxic Parents
Photo by Rhodi Lopez on Unsplash

If your parents no longer have life insurance and one dies, how does the other pay for the funeral?  Funerals can run upwards on $10,000 or more.  If your surviving parent doesn’t have the money to pay for the service and burial, contributing to this expense can be a nice gesture.

For Younger Siblings

My friend, Joan, became friends with another girl, Leslie, in high school.  Leslie had an unstable home life and eventually moved in with Joan and her family.  When we all graduated high school, Leslie went to college for engineering and also worked full-time to support herself.

At regular intervals, Leslie’s mom, who still had four younger children at home, called Leslie and asked her for money.  For years, Leslie gave money to her mom because she felt guilty.  After all, her stepdad had just left, and her mom had to provide for the younger kids.

However, over time, her mother continued to spend irresponsibly, but Leslie didn’t feel like she could say no because if she did, her younger siblings would do without.  Leslie begrudgingly gave her mom money until all the kids were out of the house.

Bad Money Management Skills

How to Deal with Financially Toxic Parents
Photo by allison christine on Unsplash

Now, I’m on the flip side and am old enough to have friends who have adult children.  One of those “friends” (and I use the term loosely), Heather, continually writes on Facebook about her money troubles.  These posts always appear as thinly veiled requests for money.

In the most recent post, Heather wrote about the financial troubles she and her husband have and went on to say that their 20  year old son, who is working two jobs and taking a full load of college classes, is giving them money to pay for their utilities and gas to and from work.

However, in that same week, Heather posted about going out to eat two different times and having a manicure and pedicure as well as getting her hair highlighted.

Say what?!

Should You Give Your Parents Money?

As an adult, if you find yourself in the awkward position of deciding whether or not to give your financially toxic parents money, there are a few questions you should ask yourself:

Can you afford it?  Do you have the money to give your parents?  Can you loan them money without causing your own financial hardship?

Why do your parents need the money?  Are your parents in a truly tight financial spot because of unemployment, sickness or another issue?  Or, do they have a history of mismanaging money and now, like so many times before, they’re in a bind?

Are they trying to change their situation?  If your parents are facing financial difficulties, are they taking steps to try to improve their situation?  Are they wisely cutting expenses and learning how to manage their money so they won’t be in this position again?  You probably can’t give them advice here because they likely won’t listen, but you can recommend your favorite financial blogs or books to help them get a better handle on how to manage their money.

What does your spouse think?  If your parents are routinely asking for money, your spouse may be annoyed or angry.  After all, you’re giving away money that now can no longer be used for your own retirement fund, household needs, or for your kids.  If your spouse is tired of you giving your parents money, please listen.  The last thing you want to do is make your own marriage unstable to enable your financially toxic parents bad money habits.

Money arguments are the number one cause of divorce.  Giving money to your parents frequently can definitely lead to tension and disagreements in your own marriage.  Is enabling your parents worth it?

Should You Cut Your Parents Off?

If you do decide to lend your parents money, how often can you do so?  You should set boundaries for the limit of your generosity in the beginning.  Leslie, the girl I went to high school with, regularly gave her mother money for eight to ten years.  Then, as her younger siblings grew up and left home, Leslie saw that her mother often caused her own drama and financial woes.

She cut her mom off about 15 years ago, and now she rarely hears from her.

I don’t know how long Heather’s son will lend his parents money, but I hope it’s not for too long.  There’s no reason why a son should be financing his mother’s highlights and pedicures when he himself is working two jobs to pay his way through college.

Finally, if your parent is in dire financial straits due to addiction or gambling, you shouldn’t lend them money.  Using tough love here would be the best advice.

Have your parents ever asked to borrow money for you?  If so, how did you handle it?  

Are you a parent?  If so, have you ever asked to borrow money from your children?

Read More

Couples: To Combine Finances or Not?

The Best Spacing of Children for Your Finances

Is Debt Hiding a Form of Cheating?

 

How to Survive Being Broke

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Many of us have been broke.  It’s not a fun place to be.  You may feel depressed and desperate, but recognizing that you won’t always be in this position is imperative.  There are steps you can take to live a more comfortable life financially.  Until then, here’s a primer on how to survive being broke.

How to Survive Being Broke

How to Survive Being Broke

If you’re broke, you must take care of your immediate needs first.

Short Term Action to Take

Maintain a Positive Attitude

Many people who are broke become depressed.  They don’t see any way out of their situation and can’t imagine a future where they’ll be in a better position.

To successfully beat being broke, you need a positive attitude.  Research stories of people who were broke and went on to become successful and much more comfortable financially such as Erin Brockovich (played by Julia Roberts in the movie Erin Brockovich) or Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith in the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness).

Remember that life can change quickly.  You may be broke now, but you likely won’t be in the same position in five years or even two years.

Live on Beans & Rice

How to Survive Being Broke
Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash

The next step is to trim your expenses as much as possible.  Since food is often the largest monthly expense behind rent, that’s the best place to start.  You may love to eat salmon and steak, but now is not the time to do so.  Now is the time to eat the proverbial beans and rice.  For instance, when my mom and dad were first married and broke, my mom would buy one pork chop, pound it flat, and then split it between the two of them.  Once they had two kids, she would buy two pork chops and pound them flat to make four servings.  Now is the time to stretch your food as much as possible and buy the least expensive food you can.

Choose Your Friends Carefully

What financial position are your friends in?  You’ll want to find friends who are mindful of their money and not spendthrifts.  When my husband and I were first married, we were broke.

Some of my coworkers invited us to go with them out to eat.  The other two couples were both financially comfortable, and they chose a Mexican restaurant.  To my dismay, there were no prices on the menu.  We ended up spending too much that night, even though we tried to make frugal choices.  It was just an expensive restaurant.  We couldn’t go out with my coworkers again because we couldn’t afford their lifestyle.

If you try to maintain friends who are in a better financial position than you, you may never become financially comfortable.

Entertain at Home

How to Survive Being Broke
Photo by Johanna Dahlberg on Unsplash

Just because you’re broke, you don’t have to give up your social life.  Instead, change the way that you socialize.  Instead of going to a bar or restaurant and spending a lot of money, invite friends to your home.  Have a potluck at your house or have a game night.  Once a month my parents used to have their friends over in the summer for a volleyball night.  Be creative.  You’ll find there are plenty of ways to socialize without spending a lot of money.

Find a Hobby That Pays

Sometimes when people are broke, they have a lot of time, but not much money.  If that’s your circumstance, find a hobby that pays.  For instance, my uncle started a small side business for athletes at his former high school.  He would comb through micro fiche to find all of the articles for a particular year about the high school football team.  He’d print these out and bind them all together and sell them to the athletes.  He made some money on the side, and the former athletes had a scrap book of all the old newspaper clippings from their glory days.

Other ideas might include gardening, crafting and selling the product on Etsy, doing genealogy research for someone, building web sites for others, etc.  You’re only limited by your imagination in what you can do.

Long Term

When you’re broke, you may immediately think just of the short-term, but you must also think of the long-term.  How will you get out of this situation so you’re not broke your entire life?

There are several important steps you should take.

Earn a Degree

Photo by Juan Ramos on Unsplash

If a degree would help you secure a better job, than look into taking college classes.  When you’re already broke, you may feel like you have you have no time or money to do so.  However, if you don’t take steps to improve your situation, you’ll remain broke for much of your life.

I had a friend, Becca, who was raising her niece and nephew.  Money was tight, but she prioritized her education.  She took one or two classes a semester, putting in much of her study time early in the morning or at night when the kids were asleep.  It took her many years to get her degree, but she did.  Now, she lives a comfortable, middle class life and has a professional job.

Learn about Finance

If you don’t already have a solid background on personal finance, now is the time to learn.  This doesn’t have to cost any money.  You can borrow books from the library, take free finance classes online, and read blogs.  Learn all you can about managing money.  I’m not just talking about ways to save money, but ways to build your emergency fund and invest so you don’t end up broke again once you get out of your current situation.

Final Thoughts

How to survive being broke is a challenge for many people.  However, the first step is a mental one.  Realize that you’re currently broke, but you won’t be broke for the rest of your life.  You can make both short-term and long-term changes to improve your life and vastly improve your financial situation.  Many, many other people have done so.  Learn about those people and take concrete action to improve your current situation.