Your parents should provide for you as you grow up, but what happens when they ask you for money? Should you give money to your parents? The answer to how to handle financially toxic parents depends on both you and them.
Reasons Your Financially Toxic Parents May Need Money
There are many reasons your parents may ask you for money. Some are valid reasons, and others, not so much.
A Job Loss
Sometimes the unexpected happens. Your parent may find him or herself out of a job and in need of money. Our neighbor, Rob, worked hard all his life. Because he married young and he and his wife had children in quick succession, Rob never got to go to college. He worked as a janitor. While he and his wife were responsible with their money, they just didn’t have much money. They couldn’t establish much of an emergency fund because his income just paid the bills and covered the expenses of his seven children.
When Rob was 59, he lost his job. At that age, he had a difficult time finding a new job. In this situation, helping your parents out, if you’re financially able, is the right thing to do.
An Unexpected Funeral
If your parents no longer have life insurance and one dies, how does the other pay for the funeral? Funerals can run upwards on $10,000 or more. If your surviving parent doesn’t have the money to pay for the service and burial, contributing to this expense can be a nice gesture.
For Younger Siblings
My friend, Joan, became friends with another girl, Leslie, in high school. Leslie had an unstable home life and eventually moved in with Joan and her family. When we all graduated high school, Leslie went to college for engineering and also worked full-time to support herself.
At regular intervals, Leslie’s mom, who still had four younger children at home, called Leslie and asked her for money. For years, Leslie gave money to her mom because she felt guilty. After all, her stepdad had just left, and her mom had to provide for the younger kids.
However, over time, her mother continued to spend irresponsibly, but Leslie didn’t feel like she could say no because if she did, her younger siblings would do without. Leslie begrudgingly gave her mom money until all the kids were out of the house.
Bad Money Management Skills
Now, I’m on the flip side and am old enough to have friends who have adult children. One of those “friends” (and I use the term loosely), Heather, continually writes on Facebook about her money troubles. These posts always appear as thinly veiled requests for money.
In the most recent post, Heather wrote about the financial troubles she and her husband have and went on to say that their 20 year old son, who is working two jobs and taking a full load of college classes, is giving them money to pay for their utilities and gas to and from work.
However, in that same week, Heather posted about going out to eat two different times and having a manicure and pedicure as well as getting her hair highlighted.
Say what?!
Should You Give Your Parents Money?
As an adult, if you find yourself in the awkward position of deciding whether or not to give your financially toxic parents money, there are a few questions you should ask yourself:
Can you afford it? Do you have the money to give your parents? Can you loan them money without causing your own financial hardship?
Why do your parents need the money? Are your parents in a truly tight financial spot because of unemployment, sickness or another issue? Or, do they have a history of mismanaging money and now, like so many times before, they’re in a bind?
Are they trying to change their situation? If your parents are facing financial difficulties, are they taking steps to try to improve their situation? Are they wisely cutting expenses and learning how to manage their money so they won’t be in this position again? You probably can’t give them advice here because they likely won’t listen, but you can recommend your favorite financial blogs or books to help them get a better handle on how to manage their money.
What does your spouse think? If your parents are routinely asking for money, your spouse may be annoyed or angry. After all, you’re giving away money that now can no longer be used for your own retirement fund, household needs, or for your kids. If your spouse is tired of you giving your parents money, please listen. The last thing you want to do is make your own marriage unstable to enable your financially toxic parents bad money habits.
Money arguments are the number one cause of divorce. Giving money to your parents frequently can definitely lead to tension and disagreements in your own marriage. Is enabling your parents worth it?
Should You Cut Your Parents Off?
If you do decide to lend your parents money, how often can you do so? You should set boundaries for the limit of your generosity in the beginning. Leslie, the girl I went to high school with, regularly gave her mother money for eight to ten years. Then, as her younger siblings grew up and left home, Leslie saw that her mother often caused her own drama and financial woes.
She cut her mom off about 15 years ago, and now she rarely hears from her.
I don’t know how long Heather’s son will lend his parents money, but I hope it’s not for too long. There’s no reason why a son should be financing his mother’s highlights and pedicures when he himself is working two jobs to pay his way through college.
Finally, if your parent is in dire financial straits due to addiction or gambling, you shouldn’t lend them money. Using tough love here would be the best advice.
Have your parents ever asked to borrow money for you? If so, how did you handle it?
Are you a parent? If so, have you ever asked to borrow money from your children?
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So glad my parents are role models at saving and living a life within their means. I’m quite blessed in that regard!
It’s always difficult when families are concerned. My parents wouldn’t ask but my brother is in debt and kicked out of his flat so I took him in. I guess it depends on if you are enabling them or not.
My mother asks for money every week for cigarettes and coffee, I have two young children myself and do not make a hell of alot and end up putting myself behind to help her out, she often baby sits for us while I work and makes me feel guilt that I owe her for doing that but surely not 3 times each week.
My parents keep asking me for money and even took at least 1000 from my student loans in order to pay whatever debt they stupidly got themselves into. My mum likes to act like she knows what she’s doing and invests money into stupid things which causes her to go into debt. She cries and complains about money but she keeps putting herself into this mess. I feel like my parents only wanted me to go to university in order to get the money not because they care about my education.
My parents are addicted to spending money. My father has a pension but he blows it all away on online shopping and silly investments. My mother gives her money away to whoever she pities; a street musician or a random single mother. When their money runs out, they expect me to give them a monthly allowance.
I always say NO. If I give them any, I’m only enabling their poor behaviour. My father said he’d done a lot for me even though I used to work part time as a teenager, paid for my own education and never asked for a single thing. My mother said I am of no use to her and that she regretted giving birth to me.
I’m sure I’m not alone. I’ve heard time and time again stories of the entitled baby boomers as parents.
Stand your ground, people. DO NOT ENABLE YOUR PARENTS’ POOR JUDGEMENTS.
CHILDREN ARE NOT MEANT TO BE BORN AS INVESTMENTS.
This is a sucky situation I’m trying to move out go to school. I live paycheck to paycheck and my mother always ask me for money to blow at the casino . I’m sick of it . I’m asking for my money back and I’m saying NO from now on. So disgusted
Thanks for this page. I don’t feel so alone anymore. My mom has often asked for money but I always said NO with a firm statement not to bother me until I finish gradschool. So instead, my mom gets me to pay for stuff from time to time, which I make deliberate choices on, and sometimes I just give a small portion to subsidise. She hates me for doing this, but IDGAF. Ironically, during the Covid19 pandemic, my whole country was going under lockdown, so my sis and I moved back home to live with mom for 4 months. I got retrenched due to the pandemic, and I was still continuing gradschool online. Knowing my current situation, my mom still compelled me to do the grocery shopping, of which I obliged since I felt I was staying there and it was a communal contribution. Nevertheless, my mom was so wasteful and she would throw off a lot of extra food she had cooked. My sis was also wasteful with electricity. I got fed up living with them. It was more expensive than renting on my own. My country is currently undergoing it’s 2nd wave of the pandemic now, and my state is under a semi-lockdown. This time, being semi-retrenched, I decided it was still cheaper to live on my own than with a gold digger. Paying rent is anytime cheaper than obliging to my mom’s financial whims.
I have a friend going through this with her parents and I’m undoing a similar situation with a sibling. Unfortunately, it literally takes years of this financial abuse – it *is* abuse – to wisen up. All the while, they are getting rewarded for their bad habits.
I will say one thing in defense or justification of spending on mani or pedi. When you are stressed out, poor or broke, spending on things like eating out, new clothes gives you an escape from your hardship. It also looks a lot more achievable than trying to save a few dollars a week for forever in order to have financial security later. It’s like a dieter eating a cheesecake.
I’ve finally had enough of my useless family asking me for money while, every time they ring they want more money so finally decided to block their all their numbers, want nothing to do with them anymore should have done it years ago
My parents are just the same, as an eldest daughter of four I helped my parents financed my sisters education.
She was able to finished her college unlike me who, after graduated high school decided to went abroad and work and help them.
Both parents are my sister is such a piece of shit.
My father is addicted to cigarettes and in my country the Philippines, cigarettes are not that very cheap.
He is burning money everyday not even thinking of saving money for his deaths.
I think he doesn’t really give a a shit about it.
My mother is also the same, she joined 5 lendings few years back, she likes to doll herself but is financially incapble.
My sister is also unemployed and can’t even find a decent job.
And is not helping the family financially.
My parents are both working as well but both married at a very young age and had children at a very young age as well.
Both didn’t even finish high school.
When I try to talk to mother about the future, she gets nasty and tells me that if I wanted to help them then better, if not , then it is better for me to shut my mouth.
And by the way because of this pandemic going on, I am back at home, I pay half of the bills at home, I buy groceries and food for the house so I don’t think I am a burden to my parents.
Slaving myself 5 years abroad and sending money to home with my toxic parents is something that I really regret till now.
They have wasted my money.
Sorry you are going through this! The pandemic just makes it worse. When the pandemic is over and you can live on your own, it might be best to establish firm boundaries. They won’t like it, but you’ll feel better.