Beating Broke

Personal Finance from the Broke Perspective

How to Deal with a Person Who Keeps on Asking for Money

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Most of us know a family member or friend who is always asking for money. They may start their request with a typical line, “I hate to ask, but I have a financial situation and wondered if you could help?” If they’ve asked you many times before, they may also add, “I promise, this will be the last time I ask.” Sound familiar? If you have experienced this, here’s how to deal with this type of person in your life.

Recognize Your Role in the Problem

If you have a person like this in your life, recognize that you’ve enabled this person to feel dependent on you. You do this by lending the person money over and over again even though the person repeatedly shows that she is financially irresponsible.

I don’t point this out to make you feel bad but rather to help you recognize your role in this cycle. However, you can take steps now to end the dependency and become part of the solution rather than the problem.

How to Deal with a Person Who Keeps on Asking for Money

The first step is to decide that you won’t allow the person to take advantage of you anymore. Instead, try one of these tactics.

Firmly Say No

The next time a friend or family member asks for money, firmly but nicely tell him that you can’t lend him money anymore. Be confident in your delivery. If you say, “I’m sorry, I just can’t lend you money right now,” or “This week my money is tight, so I can’t give you anything,” you leave open the prospect of giving him money in the future, and the person will ask again next week.

You must instead clearly say that you will no longer be able to help him out financially. Then, he has no choice but to receive and understand your message. He may ask you again at a later time, but perhaps he won’t be as persistent in his request.

As you continue to firmly say no to his every request, he will stop asking. However, don’t be surprised if he becomes angry with you and perhaps even stops speaking to you for a time.

Manage Her Finances

If you’re close to the person, perhaps offer to manage her finances and teach her good financial habits. My roommate in college, Jenny, was terrible with money and regularly asked her friends for handouts. One of our friends, Simone, was studying to be an accountant. She offered to manage Jenny’s finances. Jenny happily agreed.

For six months, Simone managed Jenny’s finances. She set up a budget for her and gave her money for spending, gas, groceries, etc. Simone paid the rest of Jenny’s bills with Jenny’s money. Once Jenny got used to the system and having a limit, Simone taught her to budget her money and pay her bills herself. By senior year, Jenny was a budgeting pro and even sometimes offered to pay the tab when she was out with friends.

Person Keeps Asking for Money
Photo by Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash

For this arrangement to work, you must be close to the person, and you must both trust one another. In addition, the person has to want to improve their financial situation. If the person doesn’t have any interest in managing her money, you’ll just waste your time.

Offer Him a Financial Course

If you don’t want to manage his money (which is understandable), you could offer to pay for him to take a financial course. Financial Peace University is a Dave Ramsey course that has helped many people turn their financial lives around. However, it’s not the only course available. Find one that will best resonate with the person and that you can afford to pay for.

When you make this gesture, you’re not refusing the person outright. You’re refusing to enable the person, but you’re offering to pay for a class and invest in him and his education. This shows that you want to keep the relationship strong.

Why You Should Stop Lending Money

Saying no to someone who repeatedly asks for money can feel awkward and embarrassing. However, you should say no for several reasons.

You Work Hard and Should Keep Your Money

You likely work hard for your income. Giving a portion of that money to someone who mismanages her own money isn’t fair to you. If you choose to donate the money, that’s your decision. However, if you give this person money out of guilt or because you feel bad saying no, do yourself a favor and value yourself, your time, and your money more. You’ll feel better when you do.

Avoid Spousal Disputes

The number one cause of divorce is money disputes. If you continually give money to someone in your life, chances are your spouse is not happy about this. Your spouse will likely be much happier if you learn to say no to the person. Then, you can use your money for your own family—for vacations, retirement savings, college savings, etc.

Let the Person Become Independent

You may feel bad when you say no. You may wonder how she’ll survive without the money she needs for whatever pressing emergency she has now. She’ll probably be angry with you and lash out.

However, take the time to look in the future. Imagine how much happier and stronger this person will be in a year when she is no longer looking for handouts and knows how to manage her own money. She’ll be more confident and feel better about herself. By saying no, you’re helping her grow as a person.

Final Thoughts

Saying no when a person keeps on asking for money isn’t easy. However, remember that you’re doing the right thing for yourself, your spouse, and the person who keeps on asking. When you set clear boundaries, you strengthen your relationships. If the person doesn’t understand this, you may, unfortunately, lose the relationship. If she does understand and makes changes, she’ll thank you later.

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Should You Give Financial Support to In-Laws?

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Financial Support to In-Laws

Watching a loved one struggle financially can be painful.  If you have the money, you may want to step in and give them financial assistance.  However, before doing that, carefully consider.  As Dave Ramsey is fond of saying, “The borrower is slave to the lender.”  The last thing you want to do is have a family member see you as a master.  Nothing ruins relationships faster.  The situation gets even more complicated when you consider giving financial support to in-laws.

Reasons Not to Give Financial Support to In-Laws

There are two main reasons why you should decline giving financial support to in-laws.

Can Affect the Parent-Child Relationship

As mentioned above, one family member giving money to another family member, especially in the form of a loan, more often than not puts strain on the relationship.  That strain gets stronger when a child gives money to a parent.  There’s something about the imbalance of the child being in a better position than the parent that causes strain and embarrassment to both parties.

As much as you may want to help your parents or in-laws, doing so may not be worth the risk you’re taking to the quality of your relationship.

Can Affect the Spousal Relationship

When you’re married and discussing giving financial support to in-laws or your own parents, you’re adding another layer of complexity.  The last thing you want is to give money to your parents only to find out that your spouse resents giving money to her in-laws.  She may feel that the money you’re giving to your parents could be better used for your own family or your children.  This feeling is likely to fester if you’re routinely giving financial support to in-laws.

Remember, money issues are the leading cause of divorce.  If you feel lending your in-laws or parents money will cause financial strain, look at other options.  Try to find other ways to help your parents get back on their feet without risking both the parent-child relationship and the spousal relationship.  After all, if you end up divorcing over this type of issue, you’ll be even less likely to be able to help your parents after an expensive divorce.

Give a Gift Instead

Financial Support for In-Laws
Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash

If you are financially secure and your spouse is onboard with the plan, why not consider giving your in laws a financial gift?  If your in-laws fall on hard times because of job loss or a health issues, give them a set sum once rather than letting them borrow the money.

However, I would caution against regularly giving them money.  Most people fall on hard times at least once in their lives.  However, if your in-laws regularly request money, likely something in their financial lifestyle needs to be adjusted so that they can be self-sufficient.

Final Thoughts

Giving financial support to in-laws is a risky proposition and not recommended to maintain healthy relationships.  However, if your in-laws fall on hard times, you might instead consider giving them a one-time gift.

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How to Handle Someone Who Gives Too Many Gifts

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First world problems, right?  How can you complain about someone who gives too many gifts?

Believe it or not, that’s something I’ve struggled with during the holiday season.  I have one relative who, simply put, is buying too many gifts for me, my husband and my kids.

Handle Someone Who Gives Too Many Gifts

How to Handle Someone Who Gives Too Many Gifts

If this relative was independently wealthy, that would be one thing, but I know that she’s also trying to save money for some home repairs and a trip of a lifetime to Europe.  I wish she would buy each of us just one gift and put the rest of the money in her vacation fund.

Do you also have problems with someone in your life who buys too many presents?

If so, there are things you can do.  (Though you’ll probably want to implement most of these suggestions AFTER this holiday season.)

 

Set a Gift Giving Limit

Most people buy gifts because they want to be nice, and they want to do something special for you.  However, people can overstep their bounds.  This year between all of my relatives who like to give gifts to our kids, the kids are getting more than enough presents.  Combined with the gifts my husband and I were going to give, my kids were going to have way too many gifts.

I set aside some of the gifts I was going to give; I’ll use them next year.  I also had my mom set aside some of her gifts for birthdays.  I’ve also asked some of the relatives to set a limit of one or two gifts in future years so that our children are not drowning in presents.

Accept and Be Appreciative

Another idea is to simply accept the many gifts and be appreciative.  After all, as Trent Hamm, guest blogger on The Christian Science Monitor, points out, “These gifts are given out of love.”  Hamm, who struggles with his family members giving his kids too many gifts, explains, “People give our kids gifts because they love them so much and it’s their way of expressing it.  For me, telling them  not to do so is akin to saying, ‘Please don’t express your love and caring for our children.’”

Handle Someone Who Gives Too Many Gifts
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

If someone like a grandparent routinely goes overboard with the gift giving, you can reduce the number of presents that you get your kids and save money.  You can just reap the benefits of saving money, or you can take the cash that you saved by not buying so many gifts and instead give the cash as a present to the prodigious gift giver.  Everything comes full circle this way.

Direct the Giver’s Generosity

I remember when I was little, my mom’s friend wanted to get me a Christmas present.  She got me Green Eggs and Ham since I was a prolific reader, but  I was well beyond that book.  Too often, people try to be generous by giving a present, but the gift they give is not necessarily what the recipient needs or wants.

You can direct the gift giver’s generosity by steering her to a wish list.  You could create it on Amazon, and then you would be able to keep track of what has been bought, and you could also have some say in the plethora of presents coming into your house.

Final Thoughts

Learning how to handle someone who gives too many gifts requires tact and patience.  While the situation may be frustrating now, the time will likely come when that person, especially if it is a grandparent, will be gone, and you’ll wish you had this problem.  Be grateful, and use one of the suggestions above to try to stem the tide of gifts, even if that person isn’t willing to change.

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Do you struggle with well-meaning relatives buying too many gifts?  If so, how do you handle the situation?