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Keep Love Alive: 8 Things to Never Say to Your Spouse

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Keep Love Alive 8 Things to Never Say to Your Spouse

In the journey of marriage, communication stands as a cornerstone. However, not all forms of communication contribute positively to this union. Specific phrases can deeply hurt your spouse, potentially creating lasting damage to your relationship. Here, we explore eight critical things you should never say to your spouse to keep love alive and maintain a healthy, respectful, and loving partnership.

1. “You’re Just Like Your Parent”

You're Just Like Your Parent

This comparison, especially when meant negatively, can trigger a world of resentment and defensiveness. When tensions rise, it might be tempting to draw parallels between your spouse’s behavior and that of their parents, particularly if you know it’s a sensitive area for them. However, this often feels like a personal attack rather than constructive feedback. To keep love alive, focus on the issue at hand without bringing family dynamics into the fray. Discuss behaviors and actions without making personal comparisons, which can lead to bitterness and an unhealthy cycle of blame.

2. “You Never Do Anything Right”

You Never Do Anything Right

Criticism, when not constructive, can erode the foundations of trust and support in a relationship. Saying “you never do anything right” not only dismisses the efforts of your spouse but also instills a sense of incompetence and worthlessness. It’s important to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that acknowledging the good rather than just criticizing the bad is essential for a healthy relationship. Instead, try specific and constructive feedback that encourages change without judgment. This way, you nurture a supportive environment rather than one of contempt.

3. “I Don’t Care”

I Don't Care

Indifference can be just as harmful as outright hostility. Telling your spouse, “I don’t care,” when they are sharing their thoughts, feelings, or experiences with you sends a clear message of disinterest. To keep love alive, it’s crucial to show empathy and interest in what matters to your partner. Engaging actively with your spouse’s feelings and experiences fosters intimacy and understanding, reinforcing the bond you share.

4. “You’re Overreacting”

You're Overreacting

Dismissing your spouse’s feelings as overreactions is a sure way to make them feel undervalued and misunderstood. When you tell someone they’re overreacting, you’re essentially saying that their feelings are not valid or important. This can lead to your spouse feeling isolated or reluctant to share their emotions, which is toxic to open communication. Instead, strive to understand the root of their emotions and discuss issues calmly and respectfully. Showing that you value their feelings can help keep love alive by promoting a deeper emotional connection.

5. “If You Really Loved Me, You Would…”

If You Really Loved Me, You Would...

This phrase is manipulative and often used to guilt someone into doing something. It suggests that your spouse’s love is conditional and dependent on meeting your demands or expectations. True love is unconditional and does not involve testing each other’s feelings or loyalty. To maintain a loving relationship, express your needs and desires without making them prerequisites for your affection. This cultivates an atmosphere of mutual respect and genuine understanding.

6. “Whatever”

Whatever

Using dismissive phrases like “whatever” during an argument can infuriate your spouse. It suggests that you are not interested in resolving the conflict or valuing their perspective. This kind of communication shutdown prevents constructive dialogue and can lead to unresolved issues piling up. Keeping love alive means engaging in meaningful conversations and working through disagreements together. Show commitment to resolving conflicts and finding common ground rather than dismissing them outright.

7. “I Wish I Had Never Married You”

I Wish I Had Never Married You

This statement can cause irreversible damage to your relationship. It conveys regret over the fundamental choice of being with your spouse, undermining the entire basis of your marriage. Even in heated moments, avoid saying things that you cannot take back. Such remarks can create deep scars that may never fully heal. Instead, focus on addressing specific issues and working on solutions together. This helps to fortify your relationship rather than tearing it down.

8. “You Always” or “You Never”

You Always or You Never

Absolutes like “always” or “never” are often inaccurate and serve only to escalate conflicts. These words exaggerate faults and can make your spouse feel unjustly accused. Instead of generalizing, address specific instances and behaviors. This not only makes your arguments more credible but also keeps discussions productive and focused on resolution rather than blame.

The Right Communication Style Can Keep Love Alive

The Right Communication Style Can Keep Love Alive

To keep love alive, it’s crucial to communicate in ways that build up your relationship rather than break it down. By avoiding these eight phrases, you can foster a more empathetic, supportive, and loving environment with your spouse. Remember, successful marriages aren’t free from conflict, but they do thrive on respectful, positive, and caring communication.

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Is a Side Hustle Worth the Family Sacrifice?

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Side Hustle Worth the Family Sacrifice

When our kids were young, my husband and I struggled financially. My husband was getting his Ph.D. and worked as a graduate assistant. I had just quit my full-time job because the cost of daycare in Chicago for two kids under two plus after-school care for our oldest would cost me as much as I was taking home each week. We survived for three years like this until my husband graduated and started working a regular job and a side hustle. I also worked a part-time job from home. Now that we’re 10 years removed from that situation, we recently discussed if a side hustle is worth the family sacrifice.

Some Times You Have No Choice

I want to acknowledge that sometimes, you have no choice. Sometimes you have to work as much as you can to cover rent, buy groceries, and care for your family. For my husband and I, the first few years after he graduated were like this. We were in debt because we had lived off his graduate assistantship and student loans those last three years, and we needed side hustles to try to get out of the hole we were in. However, we should have set a limit for how long we would work our side hustles.

Dave Ramsey’s Influence

Fifteen years ago, I loved listening to Dave Ramsey, and I bought into the idea that we should “live like no one else so later we can live like no one else.” I accepted the sacrifice that side hustles required because I was sure that if we worked hard, we’d end up on the other side, able to check off the baby steps.

Is A Side Hustle Worth the Family Sacrifice?

We are now at the point where we’ve completed baby steps 1, 2, and are on baby step 3. However, we’re also at the point where our kids are now 18, 13.5, and 12. We lost a lot of our kids’ lives to side hustles.

Is a side hustle worth the family sacrifice? As a parent with older children, I can answer for us, it was not worth it.

What We Sacrificed for the Side Hustle

Side hustles have a dark side that most people don’t talk about. For us, these were the major drawbacks:

We Were Exhausted

Is a Side Hustle Worth the Family Sacrifice?

After my husband got home from his regular job and side hustle, I would start my work after being with the kids all day. I would often work until midnight and get up at 5 or 6 a.m. That was not enough sleep.

My husband and I were both exhausted all the time.

We Were Grouchy

Because we were working so hard and exhausted, we were also grouchy. Raising young children can be challenging under the best circumstances, but when you’re exhausted and grouchy, it’s not good for anyone.

Final Thoughts

Is a side hustle worth the family sacrifice? For us, the answer was no. Rather than following Dave Ramsey’s advice to hustle until you’re completely out of debt, we should have set a limited time frame for our side hustle. We hustled for far too long, and I’m sorry we missed out on some opportunities to spend enjoyable time with our kids when they were little because of that.

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Couples; To Combine Finances or Not?

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Life
Married couples have been doing it for centuries.  Combining their finances is just something they’ve always done.  Call it tradition if you want.  Call it necessity.  Recently, it’s a tradition that has come under fire as being old and outdated.  After all, the reason that the tradition exists is because it was rather usual for the woman in the marriage to stay home and be a homemaker while the husband went off to work and earned the money.  Since the woman wasn’t contributing to the financial inflow, there was no reason for her to have her own account.  What would she put in it?

But, with a new age, comes new standards.  Now, it’s expected that a woman will enter the workforce (or, at least, the contingent workforce).  And she’ll remain there even after marriage.  Not only will she remain in the workforce, but there is a chance that she’ll bring more to the table financially than her husband.  Suddenly, the decision to combine finances isn’t such an easy one.  In fact, combining finances can lead to more arguments than keeping them separated, unless both parties are on the same page financially.  The way I see it, there are three ways you can handle finances as a couple.

Combined accounts. (What we do.)

We came to the conclusion early on in our marriage that combining finances made the most sense for us.  Neither of us made much more than the other, and we both brought about an equal amount of debt to the marriage.  We combined and pay all of our bills and other expenses from one account.  It makes it easier to balance, easier to pay, and avoids having to figure out how much each owes to what bill, or when/how to transfer money from one account to the bill pay account.

Combined account hybrid.

If you want the convenience of combined accounts, but still have a bit of an issue with purchasing things for each other.  Or, just want a “me” account where you can purchase whatever you want, whenever, no questions asked, a combined hybrid set up might make the most sense.  Combine all of your accounts, but open a new account in each of your names.  Those accounts get a set (budgeted) amount deposited into them each month.  Each account is completely hands off to the other partner.  Spend it however you like, as long as the cash is in the account to cover what you spend.

Completely separate.

You don’t like the idea of combined accounts at all.  They should be separate.  Each of you keeps your own account and you either agree on who is paying which bill, or you create a third account that each of you deposits your share of the bills into and pay all bills from that account.

Which is right for you? I can’t say which is right, or which is wrong for you.  It’s something that you need to sit down and discuss with your spouse/partner and decide on.  I think that combined finances are easier, but with automated deposits and bill pay, the separate accounts could be made pretty easy as well.  And, just because you settle on one way, doesn’t mean you can’t change it down the road.  What I will say is that people are sometimes quick to judge based on the decision that you make.  Are you too trusting by combining?  Not trusting enough by leaving things separate?  Perhaps your relationship is doomed if you don’t combine?

The truth of it is this: a majority of divorces have some root in money issues.  Forcing yourselves into a money model that you don’t like won’t help with that statistic.  Be open with each other about money.  Be willing to discuss your finances, both separately and combined, and get yourselves on a path to a solid financial future.  If you do that, it won’t matter which option you choose, it’ll be the right one.

photo credit: Will Folsom