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How to Handle Financially Toxic Parents

September 14, 2020 By MelissaB 19 Comments

Your parents should provide for you as you grow up, but what happens when they ask you for money?  Should you give money to your parents?  The answer to how to handle financially toxic parents depends on both you and them.

How to Handle Financially Toxic Parents

Reasons Your Financially Toxic Parents May Need Money

There are many reasons your parents may ask you for money.  Some are valid reasons, and others, not so much.

A Job Loss

Sometimes the unexpected happens.  Your parent may find him or herself out of a job and in need of money.  Our neighbor, Rob, worked hard all his life.  Because he married young and he and his wife had children in quick succession, Rob never got to go to college.  He worked as a janitor.  While he and his wife were responsible with their money, they just didn’t have much money.  They couldn’t establish much of an emergency fund because his income just paid the bills and covered the expenses of his seven children.

When Rob was 59, he lost his job.  At that age, he had a difficult time finding a new job.  In this situation, helping your parents out, if you’re financially able, is the right thing to do.

An Unexpected Funeral

How to Handle Financially Toxic Parents
Photo by Rhodi Lopez on Unsplash

If your parents no longer have life insurance and one dies, how does the other pay for the funeral?  Funerals can run upwards on $10,000 or more.  If your surviving parent doesn’t have the money to pay for the service and burial, contributing to this expense can be a nice gesture.

However, it is always better to plan for the future. If your parents don’t have a life insurance plan, talk to them directly. Remember, it’s never too late to have a policy. Burial insurance can be a savior by covering the funeral costs. Burial life insurance is nothing but a permanent whole life policy with small death benefits. Insurance experts also call it final expense insurance, funeral insurance, etc. You will be surprised to know that most of the big companies provide burial insurance for seniors. So, if your parents don’t have a policy yet, inspire them to have one and prepare for the unexpected.

For Younger Siblings

My friend, Joan, became friends with another girl, Leslie, in high school.  Leslie had an unstable home life and eventually moved in with Joan and her family.  When we all graduated high school, Leslie went to college for engineering and also worked full-time to support herself.

At regular intervals, Leslie’s mom, who still had four younger children at home, called Leslie and asked her for money.  For years, Leslie gave money to her mom because she felt guilty.  After all, her stepdad had just left, and her mom had to provide for the younger kids.

However, over time, her mother continued to spend irresponsibly, but Leslie didn’t feel like she could say no because if she did, her younger siblings would do without.  Leslie begrudgingly gave her mom money until all the kids were out of the house.

Bad Money Management Skills

How to Deal with Financially Toxic Parents
Photo by allison christine on Unsplash

Now, I’m on the flip side and am old enough to have friends who have adult children.  One of those “friends” (and I use the term loosely), Heather, continually writes on Facebook about her money troubles.  These posts always appear as thinly veiled requests for money.

In the most recent post, Heather wrote about the financial troubles she and her husband have and went on to say that their 20  year old son, who is working two jobs and taking a full load of college classes, is giving them money to pay for their utilities and gas to and from work.

However, in that same week, Heather posted about going out to eat two different times and having a manicure and pedicure as well as getting her hair highlighted.

Say what?!

Should You Give Your Parents Money?

As an adult, if you find yourself in the awkward position of deciding whether or not to give your financially toxic parents money, there are a few questions you should ask yourself:

Can you afford it?  Do you have the money to give your parents?  Can you loan them money without causing your own financial hardship?

Why do your parents need the money?  Are your parents in a truly tight financial spot because of unemployment, sickness or another issue?  Or, do they have a history of mismanaging money and now, like so many times before, they’re in a bind?

Are they trying to change their situation?  If your parents are facing financial difficulties, are they taking steps to try to improve their situation?  Are they wisely cutting expenses and learning how to manage their money so they won’t be in this position again?  You probably can’t give them advice here because they likely won’t listen, but you can recommend your favorite financial blogs or books to help them get a better handle on how to manage their money.

What does your spouse think?  If your parents are routinely asking for money, your spouse may be annoyed or angry.  After all, you’re giving away money that now can no longer be used for your own retirement fund, household needs, or for your kids.  If your spouse is tired of you giving your parents money, please listen.  The last thing you want to do is make your own marriage unstable to enable your financially toxic parents bad money habits.

Money arguments are the number one cause of divorce.  Giving money to your parents frequently can definitely lead to tension and disagreements in your own marriage.  Is enabling your parents worth it?

Should You Cut Your Parents Off?

If you do decide to lend your parents money, how often can you do so?  You should set boundaries for the limit of your generosity in the beginning.  Leslie, the girl I went to high school with, regularly gave her mother money for eight to ten years.  Then, as her younger siblings grew up and left home, Leslie saw that her mother often caused her own drama and financial woes.

She cut her mom off about 15 years ago, and now she rarely hears from her.

I don’t know how long Heather’s son will lend his parents money, but I hope it’s not for too long.  There’s no reason why a son should be financing his mother’s highlights and pedicures when he himself is working two jobs to pay his way through college.

Finally, if your parent is in dire financial straits due to addiction or gambling, you shouldn’t lend them money.  Using tough love here would be the best advice.

Have your parents ever asked to borrow money for you?  If so, how did you handle it?  

Are you a parent?  If so, have you ever asked to borrow money from your children?

Read More

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MelissaB
MelissaB

Melissa is a writer and virtual assistant. She earned her Master’s from Southern Illinois University, and her Bachelor’s in English from the University of Michigan. When she’s not working, you can find her homeschooling her kids, reading a good book, or cooking. She resides in New York, where she loves the natural beauty of the area.

www.momsplans.com/

Filed Under: Children, Giving, Married Money, ShareMe Tagged With: family relationships, financially toxic, money lending, parents

How Can You Tithe When You Can’t Pay the Bills?

August 31, 2020 By MelissaB Leave a Comment

Most Christians believe that you should tithe, specifically 10% of your income.  While this can be a sacrifice, many Christians are devout in doing this.  But does this rule also apply when you have no money?  Tithing when broke is possible, but you may need to be creative in how you do it.

Tithing When Broke

Start Small

If you’re determined to tithe, start small.  Give what you can.  For years, my husband and I lived in the suburbs of Chicago and made less than $40,000 a year.  We always gave to our church, but we definitely didn’t give 10%.  Now that our income has improved and we’ve moved to a place with a lower cost of living, we have increased how much we give.

There’s nothing wrong with giving what you can and increasing that amount little by little as your financial situation improves.

Tithe Your Sacrifice

We all have areas of our budget where we spend unnecessarily.  Maybe you spend money on a case of beer every month or a Netflix subscription.  Tithing when broke may be in part just a matter of finding those little extravagances in your budget and cut them.  The money from those items becomes money that you tithe.

Find Free Ways to Give Money

There are also free ways you can donate money such as signing up for Amazon Smile.  If you shop through AmazonSmile, .05% of your purchase total goes to the charity of your choosing.  (There are over 1 million charities to choose from!)  I found our church there and signed up.

Likewise, some grocery loyalty cards also have a charitable component.  I signed up for our church through my grocery store’s loyalty card, so a part of every purchase is tithed to my church.

There are other ways you can give for free.  For instance, I signed up for Swagbucks.  I use it sparingly, so I only earn one or two $25 gift cards, but I use those in December to donate a toy to a needy child.  Every year, our church puts up a Christmas tree with gift requests from needy kids.  I always take one and buy something using the free gift cards I’ve earned.

Volunteer

Tithing when Broke
Photo by Anna Earl on Unsplash

If you don’t have any money to give to the church or you can’t give as much as you would like, consider volunteering instead.  There are so many opportunities to volunteer within the church such as serving as an usher or singing in the choir.  The office may need help or you may have specific training such as accounting that you can use when volunteering with the church.

There are also other ways to tithe such as volunteering your time in the community working on houses for Habitat for Humanity or working in a soup kitchen.

Final Thoughts

Tithing is an important part of being a Christian.  However, you may not financially be able to give as much as you would like.  Luckily, there are many others ways to give.  Tithing when broke may require you to give of your time instead or find organizations that give a part of your purchase price to your favorite charity.

Read More

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Earning Swagbucks and Saving with Coupons

4 Ways to Make Money for Christmas Presents This Year

MelissaB
MelissaB

Melissa is a writer and virtual assistant. She earned her Master’s from Southern Illinois University, and her Bachelor’s in English from the University of Michigan. When she’s not working, you can find her homeschooling her kids, reading a good book, or cooking. She resides in New York, where she loves the natural beauty of the area.

www.momsplans.com/

Filed Under: budget, Giving Tagged With: Giving, tithing, volunteering

9 Common Items for Guilt Free Regifting

December 23, 2019 By MelissaB Leave a Comment

Inevitably it happens.  You open a gift from a well-meaning relative or coworker, only to discover it’s a gift card for a store you never frequent.  Or it’s the third scarf you’ve gotten this season.  Or it’s a pricey bottle of bourbon, and you don’t drink.  Rather than be disappointed by the gifts that you receive, consider regifting them and saving yourself money.  There are 9 common items for guilt free regifting that you should consider happily passing along to someone on your to-buy gift list.

9 Common Items for Guilt-Free Regifting

Gift Cards

Sure, you could sell the gift card, but an easier solution is to regift it.  If you never shop at a certain department store but you know that your mother-in-law does, why not regift the gift card to her?

Before regifting, make sure the card hasn’t been used, that you know its exact value, and that your own name isn’t written on it.

Homemade Desserts

9 Common Items for Guilt Free Regifting
Photo by Mae Mu on Unsplash

‘Tis the season to receive homemade desserts, again, and again.  You received peanut brittle and you hate peanuts?  Simply take the brittle and create your own homemade goodie plate to give to someone else.

Gourmet Food

Gift baskets with gourmet food abound during the holiday season.  These make excellent gifts, especially if you regift a meat and cheese basket to a man you know is on the Keto diet or a chocolate basket to your chocoholic office mate.

Personal Care Sets

You can easily regift personal care sets such as body lotions and lip glosses to any woman in your life, especially if you don’t know them well.  The same goes for men’s gift sets such as cologne or hair gel.

Soap

Most people don’t buy or make fancy soaps for themselves, so these make a perfect gift for the person in your life who loves personal care items with a flair.  This is also a great regift for those on your list that you don’t know well such as your child’s teacher.

Alcohol

Of all the regifts, this is likely one of the best ones to give.  Plenty of people would appreciate receiving a bottle of alcohol, especially high-quality alcohol, for a gift.

Books

As long as you haven’t read it and the book still looks brand new, consider regifting it to your favorite bibliophile.

Pen Sets

A fancy pen set is on my list of the most boring gifts ever, but some people really like having a fancy pen that writes smoothly.  Consider regifting this to the academic or business person in your life.

New Clothing

If you receive gloves, scarves, hats, etc., these make the perfect gifts to regift because they’re fairly generic.  Just make sure the price tag is still on and the item is in pristine condition.

Regifting, when done well, i.e. carefully considering if the other person would actually like the regift rather than just giving it to her because you have to give her a gift, can offer several benefits.  First, you get rid of a gift you don’t want or need.  Second, you save money by not buying an additional gift.  Third, you help the environment by consuming a bit less because you’re passing on your unwanted gift rather than buying a new one.

The holiday season is the time when most people regift.  However, don’t forget, you can also regift for birthdays and housewarming parties.  Perhaps save one bottle of alcohol as a gift when you’re invited to a dinner party.

MelissaB
MelissaB

Melissa is a writer and virtual assistant. She earned her Master’s from Southern Illinois University, and her Bachelor’s in English from the University of Michigan. When she’s not working, you can find her homeschooling her kids, reading a good book, or cooking. She resides in New York, where she loves the natural beauty of the area.

www.momsplans.com/

Filed Under: Frugality, General Finance, Giving, Saving

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